EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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