its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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