I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
