we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
