3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
