Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
