I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
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Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
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I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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