that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
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It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
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Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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