Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
