my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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