Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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