I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
it was like eating out sand paper
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
