when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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