census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
my liver is dry heaving
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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