Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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