I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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