and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
