The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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