i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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