He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
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I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
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Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Come on in and take your pants off
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