Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
