I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
