Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
