Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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