at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
