You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
