I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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