I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
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She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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