Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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