Me. At least after what I've been through.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Even my vagina gasped.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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