im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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