If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
