me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
