after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
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and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
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THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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