I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
