By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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