If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
