the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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