Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
