He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Someone signed my nipple.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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