i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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