You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You can't special order awesome
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
