I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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