Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize