Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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