Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We need a shit load of segways right now
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
