One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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