Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
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Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
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His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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