My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.