This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
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don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
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Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I want to be your penis for a week.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.