goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
