ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
