it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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