you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
